In-Depth

December Humor

• 12/01/1998

Socialism: If you have 2 cows, you give one to your neighbor.

Communism: If you have 2 cows, you give them to the government; and the government gives you some milk.

Fascism: If you have 2 cows, you keep the cows but give the milk to the government, who then sells you the milk at a high price.

Nazism: If you have 2 cows, the government shoots you and keeps the cows.

New Dealism: (FDR Version) If you have 2 cows, you shoot one, milk the other one; then pour the milk down the drain.

Capitalism: (Reaganomics) If you have 2 cows, you sell one and buy a bull; you then sell all the excess milk to the government who in turn ships it to fascist and communist governments.

Anarchism: If you have 2 cows, your neighbor on your left takes one cow, and the one on the right takes the other; while your backyard neighbor takes the milk, the bucket and the stool.

Utopianism: If you have 2 cows, Mother Nature zaps the cows, turning their udders into eternal milkshake dispensers.

Pure Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

Bureaucratic Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you should need.

Pure Communism: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

Russian Communism: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

Cambodian Communism: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

Dictatorship: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

Pure Democracy: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

Representative Democracy: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

Bureaucracy: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

Pure Anarchy: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.

Surrealism: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

Programmers: Trying-to-Meet-Year-2000-Deadline - You have two cows. You keep them both, force them to produce the milk of four cows, then act surprised when they drop dead.

Corporate headquarters has defined a lower cost alternative for Win 95 conversions that also addresses the Y2K (Year 2000) issue. The goal is to remove all computers from the desktop by January 1999. Instead, everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch. There are many sound reasons for doing this:

1. No Y2K problems

2. No technical glitches keeping work from being done.

3. No more wasted time reading and writing emails. Thank you.

Frequently Asked Questions from the Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk:

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen. How do I get rid of them?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it. Or, get another Etch-A-Sketch.