In-Depth

Humor

• 05/01/1999

Jesus and Satan are having an argument about who is the better computer programmer. After a few hours, they agree to hold a contest with God as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously for several hours; lines of code streaming up the screen. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later when the power is restored, God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out!"

"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better." Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pouring forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished. He stutters, "But how? I lost everything, yet Jesus’ program is intact! How did he do it?" God looks at Satan and smiles.

"Jesus saves."

This note was intercepted on runner.net late yesterday:

Dear Cassius:

Are you still working on the Y zero K problem? The change from B.C. to A.D. is giving us a lot of headaches, and we haven’t much time left. I don’t know how people will cope with working the wrong way around. Having been working happily downward forever, now we have to start thinking upward. You would think that someone would have thought of it earlier and not left it to us to sort it all out at the last minute.

I spoke to Caesar the other evening. He was livid that Julius hadn’t done something about it when he was sorting out the calendar. He said he could see why Brutus had turned nasty. We called in the consulting astrologers, but they simply said that continuing downward using minus B.C. won’t work. As usual, the consultants charged a fortune for doing nothing useful.

As for myself, I just can’t see the sand in an hourglass flowing upward. We have heard that there are three wise men in the East who have been working on the problem, but, unfortunately, they won’t arrive until it’s all over. Some say the world will cease to exist at the moment of transition.

We’re continuing to work on the Y zero K problem, and I’ll send you a parchment if anything develops.

Best regards,

Plutonius

A man who held great animosity for computers walked into a bar, ordered a shot, drank it down, slammed the glass on the bar and yelled, "All computer people are village idiots!" Conversation ceased for a moment; then the bar broke into a spontaneous round of applause. The man relaxed and said, "I’m glad that none of you had a problem with that."

"Hey buddy," came a voice, "I got a problem with that."

"Oh, yeah?" said the man. "I suppose you’re one of those computer geeks?"

"No," replied the voice, "I’m the village idiot."

1) Page yourself over the intercom. (DON’T disguise your voice.)

2) Make up nicknames for all of your co-workers and refer to them only by these names: "That’s a good point, Sparky," or "I have to disagree with you, Chachi."

3) Send an e-mail to everyone in the company telling them what you are going to do: "If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the restroom."

4) Highlight your shoes. Tell people that you haven’t lost your shoes since you did this.

5) Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.

6) Place a chair in front of the printer; sit there all day telling people you’re waiting for your document.

7) Arrive at a meeting late, say you’re sorry, but you didn’t have time for lunch. During the meeting, eat five entire raw potatoes.

8) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

9) Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."

10) Decorate your cubicle with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge. Try to pass them off as your children/grandchildren.

11) Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts, etc., in the break room. When people complain that there was none, just lean back, pat your tummy and say, "You’ve got to be faster than that."

12) Put decaf coffee in the coffee maker for three weeks. When everyone has overcome their caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.