In-Depth

August Humor

• 08/01/1999

Computer Brand-Name Toasters

If IBM made toasters…

They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six, toasters.

If Xerox made toasters…

You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you.

If Oracle made toasters…

They’d claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home, you’d discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away and that, indeed, the whole appliance was just blowing smoke.

If Sun made toasters…

The toast would burn often, but you could get a really good cuppa Java.

Does DEC still make toasters?

They made good toasters in the ’80s, didn’t they?

If Hewlett-Packard made toasters…

They would market the Reverse Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread.

If Cray made toasters…

They would cost $16 million, but would toast faster than any single-slice toaster in the world.

If Sony made toasters…

The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, could be conveniently attached to your belt.

If Timex made toasters…

They would be cheap and small quartz crystal wrist toasters that take a licking and keep on toasting.

If Acorn made toasters…

They wouldn’t tell you.

If Apple made toasters…

It would be the coolest-designed toaster in the world, but there’d be nowhere to put the bread.

And, of course:

If Microsoft made toasters…

Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn’t have to take the toaster, but you’d still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster ’95 would weigh 15,000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95 percent of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light and dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.

As the family computer expert, I got a call one afternoon at work from my oldest sister. She had just purchased an external modem that was "easy to install," according to the instructions on the box.

One hour later, I was still on the phone trying to explain which plug goes where and why. After attaching the last connection, she turned the PC back on. Immediately, it started to beep. Not just any beep, but that insistent, impatient tone that keeps going on and on, causing babies to shriek and dogs to howl. My sister started to cry, thinking she broke the PC.

Frantically trying to quell the noise and my own growing frustration, I told her to turn off the PC and check all of the connections… which she did, following the book to the letter. Again, she turned the PC back on and, again, I heard the excruciating sound of the beep through the phone line.

Now trying to figure this out, especially on a long-distance call, is not too easy. I was starting to get a little testy with her when the solution hit me like a lightning bolt. "What does the book say," I asked suspiciously. She replied: "You have a power problem!"

So, being long-distance and not in front of her PC, I asked her: "Where is the book that you are reading from?"

And, of course, she replies: "Just sitting on top of the keyboard in front of me. Why?"

To which I informed her that the book on the keyboard was her problem… to which she replied, "Okay!" and hung up on me!