In-Depth

Humor

• 09/01/2000

Computer Lab Hijinks

Log on, wait a second, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "NO!!! They’ve found me!" and bolt.

Laugh uncontrollably for about three minutes, then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.

Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to a different screen than the one it’s set up with.

Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge into the floppy disk drive; when it doesn’t work, get the supervisor.

Borrow someone else’s keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?," unplugging the keyboard and taking it.

Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!" and then calmly sit down and begin to type.

A legal consul of the Electronic Frontier Foundation (EFF) and a strong supporter of freedom of information, was discussing the issue of pornography on the Internet. He felt that the whole issue had been blown completely out of proportion and that the actual amount of explicit material available is quite small when compared to the educational resources of the Internet. He was particularly upset by sensationalistic media reports which made it seem like you can’t turn on a computer without seeing "smut." He asked the audience, "How many of you encounter pornography on the Internet every day?"

The audience stammered sheepishly for a moment until someone responded, "Ummm ... Do you mean accidentally?"

10. When filling out your driver’s license application you give your IP address.

9. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is "Hi, what’s your URL?"

8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.

7. You’re amazed to find out spam is a food.

6. You "ping" people to see if they’re awake, "finger" them to find out how they are, and "AYT" them to make sure they’re listening to you.

5. You search the Net endlessly, hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.

4. You introduce your wife as "my lady@ home.wife" and refer to your children as "client applications."

3. At social functions you introduce your husband as "my domain server."

2. After winning the office Super Bowl pool you blurt out, "I feel so colon-right parentheses!"

...And the number one sign you are an Internet Geek:

1. Two Words: "Pizza’s Here!"

1. Post a message asking how to post messages.

2. Put 4 addresses, 5 lines of "Geek Code," 6 ASCII-art bicycles, a PGP key and your home phone in your signature.

3. Reinvigorate a discussion by switching attributions in followups.

4. Post a compendium of old articles from a thread that died months ago with a title, such as "*** HAS JOE SMITH FORGOTTEN HIS LIES? ***"

5. Fill that empty mailbox, make new friends, delight your postmaster and selflessly lead others to riches with a few "MAKE MONEY FAST" posts.

6. Follow up a 200-line post to add only your signature.

7. Correct every spelling mistake you encounter, but misspell the word "imbecile" in your followup flames.

8. Flame yourself, and complain to your own postmaster.

9. Rank every post in a newsgroup on a scale from 1 to 10.

10. Maintain a high level of constructive decorum by addressing someone with whom you disagree as "monkey boy."

11. Post to alt.folklore.urban that this guy that a friend of your uncle’s ex-girlfriend’s boss knew received the donated heart of River Phoenix.

12. Eliminate nearly all meaningful traffic on a newsgroup for weeks by challenging its readership to come up with as many synonyms as possible for the word "vomit."

13. Relentlessly inform the readers of groups, such as rec.pets.iguanas or sci.agriculture, of your UFO, JFK, OJ, NRA, NSA, Nutrasweet and Azeri genocide theories. Relate them all to sunspot activity and ancient astronauts.