Last Laughs

System Incompatibility

Dear Tech Support,

Last year, I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules, limiting access to flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9, but installed undesirable programs, such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and HouseCleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

Sincerely,

Desperate Wife

Dear Desperate Wife,

Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But, remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, Happyhour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create "Snoring Loudly" wave files.

DO NOT install MotherInLaw 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications, and will crash Husband 1.0. Consider buying additional software, such as HotFood 3.0, to improve performance.

Good Luck,

Tech Support

– Anoushka Pogyor

Tales from the Front

One day, a new computer user was talking to me about taking classes on the Internet and using computers. I responded that the Internet was a great source of information and could save a lot of time with price shopping for items.

She said that she was starting to use the Internet and wanted to go to the Toys R Us Web site, but could not find the backwards "R" on the keyboard!

I was stunned at what she had said. I paused, then told her that if she turned her keyboard upside down that might solve her problem.

– Alan Baisch

At 3:37 a.m. on a Sunday, I had just looked at the clock to determine my annoyance level, when I received a frantic phone call from a new user of a Macintosh Plus. She had gotten her entire family out of the house and was calling from her neighbor’s. She had just received her first system error and interpreted the picture of the bomb on the screen as a warning that the computer was going to blow up.

– Gerald M. Coury

Tech Support: I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.

Customer: Okay.

Tech Support: Did you get a pop-up menu?

Customer: No.

Tech Support: Okay. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?

Customer: No.

Tech Support: Okay, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?

Customer: Sure, you told me to write "click," and I wrote "click." (At this point I had to put the caller on hold to tell the rest of the tech support staff what had happened. I couldn’t, however, stop from giggling when I returned.)

Tech Support: Okay, did you type "click" with the keyboard?

Customer: I have done something dumb, right?

– Jon Gantz

Seuss’ Next Generation

Picard: Sigma Indri, that’s the star,

So Data, please, how far? How far?

Data: Our ship can get there very fast.

But, still the trip will last and last.

We’ll have two days ’til we arrive.

But, can the Indrans there survive?

Picard: LaForge, please give us factor nine.

LaForge: But sir, the engines are offline!

Picard: Offline: But why? I want to go!

Please make it so, please make it so!

Riker: But sir, if Geordi says we can’t,

We won’t, we mustn’t, and we shan’t,

The danger here is far too great!

Picard: But surely we must not be late!

Troi: I’m sensing anger and great ire.

Computer: Alert! Alert! The ship’s on fire!

Picard: The ship’s on fire? How could this be?

Who lit the fire?

Riker: Not me.

Worf: Not me.

Picard: Computer, how long ’til we die?

Computer: Eight minutes left to say goodbye.

Data: May I suggest a course to take?

We could, I think, quite safely make

Extinguishers from tractor beams

And stop the fire, or so it seems ...

Geordi: Hurray! Hurray! You’ve saved the day! Again, I say, Hurray! Hurray!

Picard: Mr. Data, thank you much.

You’ve saved our lives, our ship and such.

Troi: We still must save the Indran planet!

Data: Which is completely made of granite...

Geordi: There’s sabotage among the wires

And that’s what started all the fires.

Riker: We have a saboteur? Oh, no!

We need to go! We need to go!

Troi: We must seek out the traitor spy

And lock him up and ask him, "Why?"

Worf: Ask him why? How sentimental.

I say give him problems dental.

Troi: Are any Romulan ships around?

Have scanners said that they’ve been found?

Or, is it Borg or some new threat

We haven’t even heard of yet?

I sense no malice in this crew.

Now, what are we supposed to do?

Crusher: Captain, the Indrans need us.

They cry out, "Help us, clothe us, feed us!"

I can’t just sit and let them die!

A doctor MUST attempt – MUST try!

Picard: Doctor, please, we’ll get there soon.

Crusher: They may be dead by Tuesday noon.

"COMMERCIAL BREAK, COMMERCIAL BREAK

HOW LONG WILL THESE DUMB ADS TAKE?"

Worf: The saboteur is in the brig.

He’s very strong and very big.

I had my phaser set on stun.

A zzzip! A zzzap! Another one!

He would not budge, he would not fall,

He would not stun, no, not at all!

He changed into a stranger form

All soft and purple, round and warm.

Crusher: Now let’s get our ship to fly

And orbit yonder Indran sky!

Picard: LaForge, please tell me we can go ...?

Geordi: Yes, sir, we can.

Picard: Then, make it so!

– Dana Taunrey