Last Laughs

• 03/01/2001

9. You received warnings not to open suspicious e-mails or attachments with the exact subject and description as the one you received.

8.You received an e-mail with an attachment that you are unfamiliar with.

7.You receive a seemingly friendly e-mail from someone you don't know inviting you to check out the attachment.

6.You received repeated warnings not to open suspicious e-mails or attachments with the exact subject and description as the one you have just received.

5.You receive a seemingly friendly e-mail from someone you know, but from whom you've never received an e-mail from before, inviting you to check out the attachment.

4.You receive an e-mail from your company's CEO, but the content or tone of the e-mail is unusual, for example, "I LOVE YOU."

3.You received repeated warnings from the administrators not to open suspicious e-mails or attachments with the exact subject and description as the one you received.

2.You can't confirm that the e-mail is legitimate by contacting the sender by a simple call or e-mail to make sure that it is okay to open the attachment.

1.You received five, 10, 20, 30, 50 or 100 e-mails with the same subject and description as the one you've been repeatedly warned about.

- Gail Tuzman

•The world is coming to an end. Please log off.

• Always keep a record of data. It indicates you've been working.

• It's impossible to make anything foolproof. Fools are so ingenious.

• I don't have a solution, but I certainly admire the problem.

• C Code; C Code Run; Run, Darn It, Run!

• To continue, strike keyboard with forehead.

• To err is human. To really screw things up, you need a computer.

• If it's stupid, but it works, it isn't stupid.

• Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

• Does fuzzy logic tickle?

• Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.

• Who is General Failure, and why is he reading my hard drive?

•How do I set my laser printer to stun?

• If at first you don't succeed, blame your computer.

• Percussive Maintenance: Whack it 'til it works.

• Think. It gives you something to do while the computer is down.

• A distributed system is one in which a computer you didn't even know existed can render yours unusable.

- Stacie Yates

•Never write a line of code that someone else can understand. Make the simplest line of code appear complex. Use long counter intuitive names.

•Don't ever code "a=b," rather do something like: AlphaNodeSemaphore=*(int)(&(unsigned long)(BetaFrameNodeFarm));

•Never use direct references to anything. Bury everything in macros. Bury the macros in include files. Reference those include files indirectly from other include files. Use macros to reference those include files.

•Never generate new sources. Always ifdef the old ones. Every binary in the world should be generated from the same sources. Never archive all the sources necessary to build a binary. Always hide on your own disk. If they can build your binary, they don't need you.

•-Never code a function to return a value. All functions must return a pointer to a structure which contains a pointer to a value.

•Never complete a project on time. If you do, they will think it was easy, and anyone can do it, and they don't need you.

•When someone stops by your office to ask a question, talk forever, but don't answer the question.

•When someone asks you out to lunch, reply: "I can't, because I've almost got my RISC-based OSI/TCP/IP client connected by BIBUS VMS VAX, using SMTP over TCP sending SNMP inquiry results to be encapsulated in UDP packets for transmission to a SUN 4/280 NFS 4.3BSD with release 3.6 of RPC/XDR supporting our ONC effort working."

•Never clean your office. Absolutely never throw away an old listing.

•Always maintain the mystique of being spaced out by concentrating on complex logic.

- Les Sokolowski

"UNIX was not designed to stop people from doing stupid things, because that would also stop them from doing clever things."