Last Laughs

• 06/01/2001

Tech Support: Okay, in the bottom left-hand side of the screen, can you see the "Ok" button displayed?

Customer: Wow. How can you see my screen from there?

It seems that three employees of a high-tech company were making a customer call, all riding in the same car. On the way, the car got a flat tire. The first employee (a salesman) looked at the tire and in his usual optimistic way said, "I think we can make it to the customer’s office with this flat; let’s keep going." The second employee (a software design engineer) said, "I think if we all sit on the opposite side of the car from the flat, we can make it." Meanwhile, the third employee (a hardware repairman) was swapping all four tires with the spare to find out which one was flat.

Two software engineering students were biking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second software engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, ‘Take what you want.’"

The first student nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn’t have fit."

An architect, an artist and a computer programmer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The programmer said, "I like both."

"Both?" the men asked, incredulous.

The programmer replied, "Well, yeah: If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the office and get some work done."

At our company, we have asset numbers on the front of everything. They give the location, name and everything else by scanning the computer’s asset barcode or using the number beneath the bars. One day, a customer called with a network problem.

Customer: "Hello. I can’t get on the network."

Tech Support: "OK. Just read me your asset number, so that we can open an outage."

Customer: "What is the asset number?"

Tech Support: "That little barcode on the front of your computer."

Customer: "OK. Big bar, little bar, big bar, big bar..."

Until recently, student workers answered our "help desk" phone and entered calls they couldn’t handle alone into a Microsoft Access database. One of our hires was a conscientious worker; she just wasn’t very computer literate.

Being unfamiliar with some computer terms, her problem descriptions sometimes needed a little interpretation. One of the best was, "User would like to know how to save a document in ‘as key’ format."

1. Dial 911 immediately.

2. Open the curtains to see if anything has changed over the past two years.

3. You mean there’s something else to do?

4. Threaten your ISP with an impeachment vote.

5. Work.

6. Reintroduce yourself to your immediate family.

7. Get that kidney transplant you’ve been putting off.

PROGRAM – n. A magic spell cast over a computer allowing it to turn one’s input into error messages. v. tr. – To engage in a pastime similar to banging one’s head against a wall, but with fewer opportunities for reward.