High-tech Horoscopes

I don't want to offend anyone; anyone who believes in the Zodiac, who follows the stars; who pores over the horoscope in the daily newspaper...or even the comics for that matter.

I too once followed such things. I believed in the constellations; in myth and magic. But then I got a fortune cookie that read, "You're having dinner for eight and you'll pick up the check." It rocked my faith.

But when it comes to the Zodiac, I'm convinced IT folks are different. We have our own signs, our own alignments. What works in the real world is much different for us who face Y2K, e-commerce, and stock values that change more than my aunt's hair color.

But we still can look to the heavens each day to see what's in store for us. There are high-tech horoscopes. As a public service, we're pleased to present yours for today. Read it carefully before your next major decision -- or at least before you use your credit card over the Internet.

Err-Ease March 2--April 19
Planetary positioning makes this a time of extreme caution. Mistakes may be plentiful, especially since you are about to be asked to remediate 14 million lines of undocumented Assembler, by hand, in three weeks, using 2 college interns and a programmer who telecommutes from his Y2K bunker in Omaha.

Bore-Us April 20--May 20
You will have a sudden, unexplained urge to become a corporate technology instructor.

Pajamini May 21--June 20
Moon in your sign equates to increased responsibility, new challenges, and the fact that you'll be pulling three consecutive all-nighters trying to close month-end.

Can't-Surf June 21--July 22
Be discrete. Stay on course. Exercise patience while irritating management personnel peer over your shoulder several times per day--which means no e-trading (at least while anybody's looking).

E-Owe July 23--August 22
Caution. Strive to be frugal. Keep your impulses in check. Unusual celestial alignment will bring about an irresistible tendency to overspend on e-commerce projects.

Ver.Go August 23--September 22
This day finds you at the crossroads and will necessitate a major change--predominately because your Financials and H/R vendor just informed you that they are dropping support for your current version of the software.

Plea-bra September 23--October 22
You're in a dangerous phase. You're tiring of tedium. You're miffed at management. Consider this your season of change: plead in vain for a new assignment, make a scene by the water cooler, loudly quit, then bolt for greener pastures (under the new signs of Flee-bra or Headhunter Fee-bra.)

S'More-Peon October 23--November 21
Bring forth your most creative juices, your sparkling knack for banter and your finest ability to persuade. You're about to be asked to recruit 20 more junior programmers--all at salaries about 1/3 below the going rate.

SAPitarius November 22--December 21
You will develop a sudden fear of all things ERP.

Cubicorn December 22--January 19
You are in rhythm with your own personality and happily in touch with yourself, which is a good thing since you're about to be moved into a tiny corner cubicle behind that tall bookshelf of System/36 documentation.

Acquirius January 20--February 18
You have an acute sense of the timing and movement of others around you, and you will demonstrate this by attempting several hostile takeovers of some pesky Internet start-ups.

PCs February 19--March 20
Be willing to revise, tear down and rebuild. In other words you will have to identify, patch or replace the BIOS in 740 non-Y2K-compliant boxes.

Mike Cohn is a computer consultant in Atlanta, and seems to be most closely aligned with the sign of "No Parking".