Three buddies die in a car crash and go to heaven to an orientation. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say?"
The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great programmer and a great husband."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful systems analyst and a family man."
The third guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a top systems technician and ... Look, he’s moving!"
Contributed by John B. Kampfer,Wahiawa, Hawaii
Feel Lucky, Punk?
I came home from work one day to find my wife and her best friend, Jane, in a rather concerned state. They, especially Jane, were very worried that they might be in trouble with the law. Jane had been working on her computer when it displayed a window with the following message: "Illegal operation has occurred. This application will be shut down."
I had a hard time not laughing as I explained what that error message really meant, and that nobody was going to be notified of any possible illegal activities.
Contributed by Roy Zimmer,Kalamazoo, Mich.
Native American Wisdom vs. Modern Business Practice
Dakota tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. However, in business we often try other strategies with dead horses, including:
1. Buying a more expensive whip.
2. Replacing the riders.
3. Saying things like "This should work; it’s the way we have always ridden this horse."
4. Appointing a leadership committee to study the horse.
5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride their dead horses.
6. Increasing the standards to ride dead horses.
7. Appointing a tiger team to revive the dead horse.
8. Conducting training sessions to increase our riding ability.
9. Hiring a motivational specialist to raise the horse’s self-esteem.
10. Redefining the standard, declaring that "This horse is not dead."
11. Hiring contractors to ride the dead horse.
12. Harnessing several dead horses together for increased speed.
13. Declaring that "No horse is too dead to beat."
14. Providing additional funding to increase the horse’s performance.
15. Spending millions to redesign the saddle.
16. Purchasing a product to make dead horses run faster.
17. Declaring that the horse is "better, faster and cheaper" dead.
18. Forming a quality circle to find uses for dead horses.
19. Revisiting the performance requirements for horses.
20. Trying to pass off the flies and circling buzzards as windfalls.
21. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.
Contributed by Casey Brinkert, Exton, Pa.
The Perfect Worker
1 Bob, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Bob is a unique individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.
Addendum: That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly reread only the odd numbered lines.
Contributed by Jim Dougherty, Midlothian, Va.