In-Depth

Humor

• 10/01/2000

The mainframe is my server; I shall not wait.

It maketh me communicate through secure protocol.

It leadeth me to calm users.

It restoreth my backup,

It leadeth me in the path of Open Systems for IBM's sake.

Yea, though I surf through the valley of hackers,

I will fear no evil: For RACF art with me;

Thy S913 and thy audit report, they comfort me.

Thou preparest a Web page before me in the presence of 'mime' enemies (Microsoft);

Thou annointest my SQL queries with data; My cup of JAVA runneth over.

Surely scalability and throughput shall follow me all the days of my career,

and I will dwell in the legacy of the mainframe forever.

(True meaning follows in parentheses.)

Press any key. (Press any key you like, but I'm not moving.)

Press a key. (Nothing happens, unless you press the "A" key.)

Fatal error. Please contact technical support quoting error no. 1A4-2546512430E. (Where you will be kept on hold for 10 minutes, only to be told that it's a hardware problem.)

Installing program to C:\. (And I'll also be writing a few files into c:\windows and c:\windows\system where you'll NEVER find them.)

Not enough memory. (I don't CARE if you've got 64 MB of RAM, I want to use the bit below 640K.)

Cannot read from drive D:. (However, if you put the CD in right side up.)

Please wait. (Indefinitely.)

Directory does not exist. (Anymore. Whoops!)

The application caused an _error. Choose Ignore or Close. (Makes no difference to me, you're still not getting your work back.)

And, lo, it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods, when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums, and delivery by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And Dot said, "There will be a lot of banging in the land."

And Abraham replied, "It is my most fervent wish that this be so." And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had, at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.

But, his success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum, and was accused of insider trading.

And the young did take to Dot Com's trading, as doth the greedy horsefly to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominica Siderites, or NERDS, for short.

And, lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would only work if you bought Brother William's drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."

And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known, "eBay," he said, "We need a name of a service that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hip Owner Operators."

"Whoopee!," said Abraham.

"No, YAHOO!," said Dot Com.