Editorial: A Bug's Life... a la Milennium

The Year's, er, Decade's, uh, Century's... no Millennium's Blockbuster Hit!

Meaner than the Terminator on steroids, more random than the Titanic in the North Sea, and so foul, it makes Godzilla’s breath smell like a Glade Solid -- It’s "Y2K," the movie. Most film critics maintain that early summer is the time to release mega hits; but I predict this year’s multibillion dollar extravaganza, will open just after midnight, January 31, 1999, and will be the blockbuster of all time.

A quarter century in the making, "Y2K," -- a Yourdon-Tarantino production -- with its cast of millions, will make "Armageddon" look like a Saturday morning cartoon. At least according to most mainstream reporters, who have jumped on the Y2K hysteria bugwagon.

So, while everyone else is busy pointing fingers, I suggest any real innovators out there will be accepting the blame, or credit, along with any and all copyrights and residual licensing rights.

Zeros (the numeral that is) aside, the mainstream media is now running amok; from Time and Forbes prophecies of doomsday hype to my local "Morning Zoo" radio station trying to explain how the "bug" infestation will grind the world to a halt – Y2K survivalists are getting all the press. And why not? Gloom and doom sell. If Orson Welles were alive he’d have a field day broadcasting traffic jams, planes falling from the sky, ICUs shutting down, and people freezing to death in their own homes; but at least he’d preface it with the fact that this was only make believe. The real disaster occurred when I spent almost 10 bucks for the some of these magazines.

In an ingenuous effort to capture the essence of the Year 2000, the majority of the media has only managed to muster up a self-serving focus of negativity. Instead, why not dispel the "apocalypse now" ending and provide some insight as to how industries are getting prepared, what rational precautions homeowners and families can take, and how companies can and are helping others to get ready. Will some things go wrong? Sure. Do you need to sell your home and drag your kids to the desert? Only if you believe that our lives are that completely dependent on a computer.

What I don’t need are business editors, whose only experience with computers is when their laptop battery dies, trying to hype the end of the world in my face. Basically, the Y2K survivalists coverage has taken a Freeman Survival Guide approach, by simply doing a word search and replacing "Commie Hordes" with Year 2000.

For example: When the (Year 2000) strikes, be prepared with plenty of toilet paper, batteries, BIC lighters and a shotgun. With that in mind, I’ve prepared my own, more-balanced, personal Year 2000 survival Dos and Don’ts list:

  • Don’t move to Montana; it’ll be too crowded anyway with shotgun-toting programmers.
  • Don’t stockpile canned corn and blankets.
  • Do hide the TP if you see neighbors running from their homes New Year’s Day with pants around their ankle.
  • Don’t fly. (I offer that advice year round.)
  • Do risk traffic light failure and drive to the 7-Eleven for more BICs. 7-Eleven will be the only store opened on New Year’s Day either way.
  • Don’t convert all assets to gold; it’s too heavy.
  • Do keep $25.00 bucks cash … to go to the 7-Eleven.
  • Do be sure to be invited to the relative with the wood burning stove for New Year’s dinner, and hit the 7- Eleven on the way. BICs make nice gifts.
  • Don’t hoard gas in your garage. Gas explodes.
  • Do let your boss know you may be working from home until the spring thaw.

Finally, don’t forget to rent the "Y2K" sequel, "Y2K Litigation – Who Can I Sue?" available only on video release, the day after Y2K opens.