January Humor

Gates of Hell

Bill Gates finds himself in Purgatory being sized up by God...

"Well, Bill, I’m really confused on this decision. I’m not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world, and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. I’m going to do something I’ve never done before. In your case, I’m going to let you decide where you want to go!"

Bill replies, "Well, thanks, God. What’s the difference between the two?" God says, "I’m willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help you make a decision."

Bill replies, "OK, let’s try Hell first."

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful people running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining, and the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased.

"This is great!" he cries. "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!"

"Fine," says God, and off they went.

Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision, "Hmm, I think I prefer Hell."

"Fine," retorts God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, God decides to check up on the billionaire to see how he is doing.

When God arrives, he finds Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. "How’s everything going, Bill?" asks God.

Bill responds with a voice full of anguish and disappointment, "This is awful, this is not what I expected. I can’t believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful people playing in the water?"

God says, "That was just the screen saver."

Contributed by Casey Brinkert

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Measuring with Managers

A group of managers are assigned to measure the height of a flagpole. So they go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they’re falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures – the whole thing is a mess.

A programmer comes along and sees what they’re trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it end to end, gives the measurement to one of the managers and walks away.

After the programmer has gone, one manager turns to another, laughs and says, "Isn’t that just like a programmer? We’re looking for the height and he gives us the length!"

Contributed by John B. Kampfer