Humor

How to Please Your IT Staff

When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

  • When an IT person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords.
  • When an IT person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts out. We exist only to serve.
  • When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.
  • When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an IT person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.
  • When an IT person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.
  • When the printer won't print, resend the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.
  • When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.
  • Don't learn the proper name for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "My thingy blew up."
  • If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 10 pounds of computer sitting on top of them.
  • If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the mail upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with half a pound of muffin crumbs and nail clippings in them.
  • Don't bother to tell us when you move computers around on your own. Computer names are just a cosmetic feature.
  • Feel free to say things like, "I don't know nothing about that computer crap." We don't mind at all hearing our area of professional expertise referred to as "crap."

- Anonymous

Doggie Gets a Job

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window that read, "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterward, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.

The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.

The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time.

By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."

The dog jumped down, went to the sign and put his paw on the sentence about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."

The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow!"

- Anonymous

The Aspiring Writer

There once was a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define "great," he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read. Stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level. Stuff that will make them scream, cry and howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

- Contributed by John Kampfer